Thats a Funny Tryuck to Play on God

Clean Bible jokes, puns, and trivia

Like most college professors, I've seen hilarious errors in student-written papers. Here are ii recent ones:

• "At that place were a lot of times where Jesus would speak to huge crows such as at the Sermon on the Mount."
• "What struck me most was they way they embarrassed the gospel"

"Our mouths were filled with laughter" -- Psalm 126:2

Bible humor

Considering and then much of Holy Scripture is in story form, information technology lends itself to agreeable twists of little details that can exist funny. This drove doesn't purport to exist the best assortment of Bible jokes and puns. Even so, at least some of them volition evoke chuckles from your friends. Many of these humorous sayings, jokes and trivia from the Bible were collected from messages floating around social media. Some announced to have come from Richard Lederer's Anguished English, (or else he got them from the aforementioned place I saw them).

The phrasing of several jokes and puns depends on the wording used in a specific Ennglish translation of the Bible. In near cases, it's the archetype King James Version.

Presenting this compilation doesn't mean I'g making fun of the Bible itself. Rather, information technology indicates how much I treasure this "love letter from God." At that place are things in Scripture that I exercise not take lightly and will not trivialize them by turning them into jokes. Christ'south suffering and expiry by crucifixion is one of them.

    -- compiled past Howard Culbertson

"Sarah said, 'God has brought me laughter, and anybody who hears nearly this volition express joy with me.'" -- Genesis 21:v

Funny Bible questions

Question: Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?

Answer: Noah -- he was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Question: What did God say afterward He created Adam?

"I tin do better than that." And and so, He created adult female.

Question: Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?

Reply: Pharaoh's girl -- she went down to the banking concern of the Nile and drew out a little profit. Oops. That should read "prophet".

Question: What kind of human being was Boaz before he got married?

Answer: Ruth-less.

Question: Who was the first drug addict in the Bible?

Respond: Nebuchadnezzar -- he was on grass for seven years. (Daniel 4:23- 33)

Question: What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?

Answer: Yahweh drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury, an car produced by Plymouth from 1955 to 1989.

State of israel's Triumph (a British automobile produced from 1921 to 1984) could be heard after the death of Goliath (2 Samuel 17:52, New Living Translation.

Honda... because Acts 2:12 says the apostles "were all in 1 Accordance," an automobile produced outset in 1976.

In Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns both a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Lord to "pursue your enemies with your Storm and terrify them with your Tempest." -- Psalm 83:15

God may favor Dodge pickup trucks since the Israelistes were warned not to follow Moses upward on the mountain "until the Ram'southward horn sounds a long smash." -- Exodus xix:xiii

two Corinthians 4:8 describes a group traveling in a Volkswagen Bug: "We are difficult pressed on every side."

Question: Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?

Answer: In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second.

Question: How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden of Eden (Genesis 3:23-24)?

Answer: They were really put out.

Question: What is i of the things that Adam and Eve did later they were kicked out?

Answer: They raised Cain.

Question: What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?

Answer: "Your mother ate us out of house and home" (Genesis iii:6).

Question: The ark was congenital in three stories. The top one had a window to let in light. How did the bottom two stories get light?

Answer: They used floodlights.

How do we know Peter was a rich fisherman?

Answer: Past his net income.

Question: Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a slingshot?

Answer: The thought had never entered his caput earlier.

What animal did Noah find it difficult to trust?

Respond: The cheetah

Question: What is the best way to become to Paradise?

Answer: Plow right and go straight.

Question: According to the Bible, which one of Yahweh's servants was the most flagrant lawbreaker?

Answer: Moses, considering he broke all 10 commandments at in one case.

Question: Which area of the Promised State was especially wealthy?

Answer: The surface area around the Jordan where the banks kept inundation.

Question: Who was the showtime person to download something from a cloud to two tablets?

Respond: Moses

Question: How practise we know that Job went to a chiropractor?

Reply: Because Chore 16:12 says: "All was well with me, but . . . he seized me by the cervix"

Question: Where is the showtime tennis lucifer mentioned in the Bible?

Answer: When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.

Question: Which Bible character had no parents?

Answer: Joshua, son of Nun (Joshua 1:1).

Question: Why didn't Noah get angling?

Respond: He only had ii worms.

Question: How practise we know the people on the ark with Noah did not play card games?

Answer: Because Noah sat on the deck

Question: Who was the start person to throw down a tablet and break it considering he was angry?

Answer: Moses

Question: Where is a square dance class mentioned in the Bible?

In Jonah 4:11 that says, "In that location are more a hundred and 20 thousand people who cannot tell their correct hand from their left."

Question: Who may have been the shortest man in the Bible?

Answer: In that location are three possibilities -- 1. Zacchaeus, and so short he had to climb a tree to see Jesus. Luke xix:ii-4
2. Bildad the Shuhite ("shoe elevation"), i of Job's iii friends. Chore 2:xi
3. Nehemiah ("Knee High Miah"), central effigy of a book that bears his name.

Question: Question: How long did Cain hate is brother?

Reply: As long equally he was able! (Abel)

Bloopers by students writing about the Bible

• Second of 10 Commandments: Thou shall cast no idles.
• In the offset book of the bible, Guinness, God got tired of creating the globe, and so He took the Sabbath off.
• Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree tree. One of their children, Cain, asked: "Am I my brother'due south son?"
• Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals came on to in pears.
• God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mountain Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother's birthmark. I of Jacob'southward son, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
• Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led the Hebrews to the Ruby Sea, where they made unleavened breadstuff which is bread without any ingredients.
• The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterward, Moses went upward on Mount Cyanide to go the ten amendments.
• The seventh commandment is: Thou shalt not admit adultery.
• Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the boxing of Geritol.
• The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand all the same and he obeyed him.
• David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
• Solomon, 1 of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
• When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
• When the three wise guys from the due east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
• Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "a human being doth not live by sweat alone."
• It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
• The people who followed the Lord were chosen the 12 decibels. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
• I of the opossums was St. Matthew who was a taximan.
• Christians accept only 1 spouse. This is called monotony.

"In that location's an opportune time to exercise things, a right time for everything on the earth . . .
A right time to cry and another to laugh" -- Ecclesiastes 3:1, four (The Message)

Bible humour

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An elderly adult female had just returned home from an evening church service when she realized at that place was an intruder in her dwelling house. Seeing that he was in the deed of robbing her dwelling house of its valuables, the lady yelled "Stop! Acts 2:38!"¹

Hearing her, the burglar stopped dead in his tracks and stood motionless. The woman calmly called the law and explained what was going on.

As the officer cuffed the homo to accept him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the lady did was yell a Bible verse at y'all."

"Bible poesy?" said the burglar, "She said she had an ax and two 38'southward!"

---

¹ "Repent and be baptized, in the proper noun of Jesus Christ and then that your sins may be forgiven. And yous will receive the souvenir of the Holy Spirit." -- (Acts 2:38)

Ten ways the Bible would be different had information technology been written by college students

1. The Last Supper would have been eaten the adjacent morning -- common cold.
2. The 10 Commandments would have been only five. They would have been double-spaced and written in a large font.
3. The Bible would take come out in a new edition every two years in gild to limit re- selling.
4. The reason the forbidden fruit would have been eaten was because it wasn't cafeteria food.
5. Paul'southward alphabetic character to the Romans would get Paul's due east-mail to abuse@romans.gov.
6. The reason Cain would have killed Abel: They were roommates.
7. The place where the end of the globe occurs: Finals, not Armageddon.
8. Out go the mules, in come up the mount bikes.
9. Reason why Moses and followers would take wandered in the desert for forty years: They didn't want to inquire directions and look like freshmen.
10. Instead of God creating everything in six days and resting on the seventh, He would take put it off until the nighttime earlier it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.

If Moses had received the ten Commandments via text message:

no1 b4 me. srsly.
dnt wrshp pix/idols
no omg's
no wrk on westward/finish (sat 4 now; sun l8r)
pos ok ur g&d r cool
dnt impale ppl
:-Ten but w/ m8
dnt steal
dnt lie re: bf
dnt ogle ur bf'southward m8. or ox. or dnkey. myob.

ttyl, JHWH.

ps. wwjd?

Do the names of Old Testament peoples and tribes confuse you?

Hither'southward a drawing spoof on those names.

Assist me find the origin of this drawing!

I've had this in my files for several years but have lost track of where it was from or who the cartoonist was. Do you know who the artist is? If so, email me. I'd like to get in contact and go permission to use it.

The Amoritess and the Midianites were, of grade, tribes with whom the Israelites had some non-so-friendly encounters. The Amorites, who are mentioned I the Bible more lxx times, are described as being very tall. The Midianites are mentioned in Old Testament about 20 times.

The Samsoites? Well . . . . that proper name doesn't quite go dorsum to Onetime Tetamet times although Jesse Shwayder (1882 1970), founder of the the Shwayder Torso Manufacturing Company, did name one of his initial cases after the Biblical strongman Samson, and began using the trademark Samsonite in 1941.

Sarah said, "God has brought me laughter, and anybody who hears most this will express joy with me." -- Genesis 21:6

---

Bible trivia tidbits

Question: How many total words are there in the Bible?

In terms of the English Bible, this varies from translation to translation. The range is from just over 715,00 words to almost 785,000 words. This doesn't mean things have been left out or added. It just ways that some translations are more wordy than others in rendering the meaning of the Hebrew and Greek originals. As for the number of letter of the alphabet characters, the total count in the KJV is a staggering 3,116,480. That count would also vary from translation to translation.

Question: How long did it take for the Bible to be written?

Scholars say about 1,500 years went by from the time the first Bibe book was written until the terminal i was completed.

Question: How many unlike authors were involved in writing the Bible?

Almost 40

Some facts about the Psalms

Question: Which Old Testament volume is quoted nigh frequently in the New Attestation?

Psalms

Question: What Bible chapter is the shortest?

Respond: Psalm 117 with only 2 verses

Question: What is the longest chapter in the Bible?

Answer: Psalm 119 with 176 verses

Question: As far as chapter count goes, which affiliate is in the center of the Protestant Bible?

Reply: Psalm 118

Question: Which verse is at the verbal center verse of the Bible?

Answer: Psalm 118:8

Question: What is the longest volume in the Bible?

Answer: In terms of the number of chapters, it's the book of Psalms. However, in terms of the number of words in the Hebrew language, it's Jeremiah. [ meet the lists of longest by chapter and longest in terms of number of words ]

Question: What is the shortest book in the Bible?

Answer: In terms of the number of capacity, there are five with but one affiliate: Second John, Tertiary John, Jude, Obadiah, and Philemon. In terms of number of words, Third John is the shortest with 219 words in the original Greek.

Question: Which of these men was not an writer of at least one psalm? Moses, David, Joshua, or Solomon

Answer: Joshua

Which of the Psalms is the just one that ends without some sense of praise to or promise in God?

Psalm 88 is the only psalm that ends without some sense of praise or hope in God.

Over what menstruation of time were the Psalms composed?

David is, of course, considered the author of many of the Psalms. He lived from about 1035 BC to 970 BC. Withal, the psalms were composed over a flow of approximately k years. Psalm ninety may exist the oldest Psalm, probably written by Moses around 1450 B.C. before his encounter with God at the burning bush-league where God called him to liberate the Hebrew people from Egyptian slavery.

The primal word in the Psalms is "praise." It is used more than 200 times in Psalms compared with most 120 occurrences in all the rest of Holy Scripture combined.

Which of the Psalms are acrostics?

Psalm 25, 34, 37, 111, 112, 119 and 145 are examples of acrostic Hebrew poetry. In these seven psalms, the first letter of each line, verse or stanza begins with a successive alphabetic character of the Hebrew alphabet. The acrostic attribute isn't, of form, readily apparent in versions of the Bible in languages other than Hebrew. A proficient hint in looking for psalms that are acrostics is to await for psalms with 22 verses since at that place are 22 letters in the Hebrew alphabet. Psalm 119 is an expanded acrostic in which the sections begin with succeeding letters of the Hebrew alphabet.

Reading the Bible aloud: Confirmation of a bit of trivia

I read somewhere that it would take about 75 hours to read the Bible aloud at a normal charge per unit. A little over 50 hours of that will be spent reading the Erstwhile Attestation.

I mentioned this flake of trivia to a group of Haitian pastors on the isle of La Gonave. The pastor of the Church of the Nazarene in the mountain town of Grand Source challenged his youth group to see how long it would accept them to read the Bible aloud in Haitian Creole. He said if they would practise it, he would invite the people in their mount village to come and heed whenever they had time.

On a Monday, the young people started reading the Bible aloud from the platform of their church edifice. Reading in 15 infinitesimal shifts for about 15 hours a day, those young people in Haiti read the Bible aloud all the manner through in a footling over 79 hours.

Mutual sayings from the bible

Ask your friends: In which volume of the Bible can each of these famous sayings be found?

Do yous sometimes quote the Bible without being aware of it? The English language is salted, equally are other languages, with biblical phrases and proverbs. Listed below are more than iv dozen of them.

To exist sure, "cleanliness is next to godliness" is not one of biblical origin. Neither is "God helps those who help themselves." That particular 1 is from Poor Richard'southward Almanac produced past the American political figure Benjamin Franklin.

Here is a listing of oft-used English phrases with the scripture reference from which they come given.

• "A law unto themselves" -- Romans 2:14
• "A firm divided" -- Matthew 12:25, Luke 11:17 (quoted by Abraham link in an 1858 speech on the eve of the American Ceremonious War)
• "A man after his ain heart" -- 1 Samuel 13:14
• "Apple tree of my eye" Deuteronomy 2:10, Zechariah two:8
• "At my wit'due south end" Psalm 107:27
• "Blind leading the blind" Matthew 15:14, Luke vi:39
• "Past the skin of our teeth" Job nineteen:twenty
• "Can a leopard change his spots?" Jeremiah thirteen:23
• "Don't cast your pearls earlier swine" -- Matthew 7:6
• "Driblet in the bucket" -- Isaiah 40:xv
• "Dust of the earth" -- Genesis 13:16
• "Eat, drink, and exist merry" -- Ecclesiastes eight:15
• "Heart for an eye" -- Exodus 21:24, Leviticus 24:20, Deuteronomy 19:21 Matthew 5:38
• "False prophets, which come up to you lot in sheep's clothing" -- Matthew 24:24, Marking 13:22
• "Savage on rocky ground" -- Matthew 13:5
• "Fight the good organized religion" -- 1 Timothy half-dozen:12
• "Golden calf" -- Exodus 32
• "Good Samaritan" -- Luke x:25-37
• "Hammer swords into plowshares" -- Isaiah ii:4
• "He gave up the ghost" -- Luke 23:46
• "He that is without sin amongst yous, let him cast the showtime stone" -- John 8:7
• "Handwriting on the wall" -- Daniel v:5
• "How are the mighty fallen" -- 1 Samuel 1:nineteen-27
• "Labor of dear" -- i Thessalonians 1:3
• "Letter of the law" -- two Corinthians iii:six
• "Many are called, only few are chosen" -- Matthew 22:xiv
• "Human being shall not live by breadstuff lonely" -- Deuteronomy 8:iii, Matthew four:4
• "More blessed to give than to receive" -- Acts 20:35
• "My brother's keeper" -- Genesis four:ix
• "No peace for the wicked" -- Isaiah 48:22, Isaiah 57:21
• "Noting new under the sun" -- Ecclesiastes one:9
• "One dead wing makes the perfumer'southward ointment requite off a rancid stench" -- Ecclesiastes ten:1
• "Out of the mouths of babes" -- Psalm 8:2
• "Powers that be" -- Romans 13:one
• "Pride goes before a autumn" -- Proverbs 16:19
• "Put the words in her mouth" -- 2 Samuel 14:3
• "Put your house in order" -- two Kings twenty:one, Isaiah 38:1
• "Cerise sky at morning" -- Matthew 16:3
• "Rise up and shine" -- Isaiah 60:one
• "Salt of the earth" -- Matthew five:13
• "See center to center" -- Isaiah 52:viii
• "Signs of the times" -- Matthew 16:3
• "Soft answer turns away wrath" -- Proverbs 15:1
• "Stood past the stuff" (a reference to troops that guarded supplies) -- one Samuel 25:13, xxx:24)
• "Strait and narrow" -- Matthew 7:14
• "Suffer fools gladly" -- 2 Corinthians 11:19
• "Sweat of your brow" -- Genesis 3:19
• "The dear of money is the root of all evil" (frequently misquoted every bit "money is the root of all evil") -- 1 Timothy 6:10
• "The truth shall make yous free" -- John 8:32 (engraved on the wall of the original CIA headquarters building in Washington, DC)
• "At that place's zip new under the sun" -- Ecclesiastes 1:9
• "Thorn in the flesh" -- 2 Corinthians 12:vii
• "To everything there is a flavour" Ecclesiastes 3:1
• "Twinkling of an middle" -- 1 Corinthians 15:52
• "Wars and rumors of wars" -- Matthew 24:26, Marking 13:vii
• "Weighed in the balances and found wanting" -- Daniel v:v
• "What is truth?" -- John 18:38
• "Where there is no vision, the people perish" -- Proverbs 29:xviii

Recall of the English language word "Bible" as an acronym: B.I.B.L.E - Basic Information Before 50eaving Earth!

Can you lot think of any thing else that could or should be on this page? If so, drib me an electronic mail and I'll add them.

    -- compiled by Howard Culbertson,

The unabridged Bible summarized in just fifty words

Find the hidden Bible book names

Tin you lot notice Bible book names in a paragraph of text that seems to have fiddling or zip to exercise with the names of the 66 documents of the Holy Scriptures? Hither are 2 paragraphs, 1 with 16 Bible book names hidden in information technology and another paragraph with 30 hidden Bible book names names. [ more ]

What was Adam's last name?

Was Adam's last name Tate? It may have been. Churches are full of people named Tate. [ more ]

On a more serious note

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Source: http://home.snu.edu/~hculbert/trivia.htm

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